This is a very hard subject for me to talk about. I have been suicidal for many years. I want to say about 12 years. I have suicidal thoughts almost every day. Sometimes I can control them other times I cant. I have been cutting my thighs off and on throughout the years. It first starts off with anxiety and then it goes to depression. I have been going through depression for a very long time as well.
If I don’t control my depression it will escalate to my suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I just straight out have suicidal thoughts. It all depends on the day. I haven’t told my family of what I go through. I tried telling my mom but she doesn’t quite understand me. I want to tell my brothers and my dad on what I go through but it’s hard to even start the conversation with them.
I don’t exactly have a relationship with my family. I have urges to cut all the time that will never go away. It will always be a part of me.
I think back and I wish I never even started to cut. I never cut in front of anyone when I did cut my thighs I make sure it was in private. I am writing this blog post to help anyone who may be going through a similar situation
This is an addiction that will never go away. I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I do have support groups on Facebook that I am in. Sometimes it helps other times it triggers it.
I no longer cut but I still have urges. The last time I relapse I regretted it so much. I didn’t know how to stop. I have learned how to control it but during my depression I always want to cut. I am glad I get passed it and I don’t go near any knives during that time.
I know during my depression if I move where I’m sitting I get up grab a knife and I cut. The other day I had really bad urges. I was crying and my boyfriend was talking to me on the phone. I stayed sitting on the sofa talking to him. I eventually calmed down and got out of it and got passed it.
There’s also a suicidal hotline that I can call. I called once they are very helpful I know if my boyfriend isn’t around to call I will definitely be calling the hotline if it gets really bad.
I bought myself a self-love ring as a reminder to never cut again and as a reminder to always take care of myself first and to love myself ,respect myself, and have confidence and self-esteem. It is a reminder to no matter what I go through in life to always put myself first.
I also started going to a non denomination Christian Church to help lead me back to my faith. I am loving this church so far. Looking forward to where this Journey leads me.
I will be also getting a tattoo in the near future as a reminder never to cut again. I hope writing this will help someone. Remember you are not alone and if anyone needed to talk about suicidal thoughts and urges or whatever I can help you get through it.
This storm feels like your drowning but it wont rain forever. You eventually will enter the brightness. This is just a moment things will get better.
I have depression and anxiety. I was emotionally and physically abused I was raped when I was 17 . I lost a lot of family members that died I also lost a lot of friendships in my life. I haven’t seen none of my friends in about 5 years.This was my way of dealing with it.
I did not cut for attention either that is not something you just play around with.
I blamed myself a lot and I thought the day I was raped that he shouldve killed me so I wouldn’t be suffering like this. Thats not the answer though everything that I been through is what makes me stronger.
I have to keep fighting not only for myself but also for my son Josiah. He keeps me going everyday. I would not be here if it wasn’t for him. I love my son so much and my boyfriend who has stood by my side during my darkest days.
I am grateful to be alive today and I am here to help others . It is my destiny. I will help anyone that I can . This is a healing process it will take time but I will get where I need to be.
Sandy's Journey 