So I been talking about doing this for the past three years. It’s finally happening for me. I will soon launch a lipgloss business. I will be selling lipgloss ,lip scrub ,body scrub ,eyelashes ,bubble bath etc. I got my logo created and I’m working on my website and buying all my inventory. I’m making sure I have everything. So it should be ready in maybe 3 months or so. I also have to have all my recipes mastered by then let’s see how it goes. If not 3 months maybe sooner. I still have to buy a new laptop and a printer. One step at a time.💋
I haven’t been able to sleep in weeks. I stopped taking naps to try to wait it out and do my chores at night and cooking and still I can’t sleep. I tried taking sleepy tea and it won’t kick in until hours later. I’m so exhausted but for some reason I’m having racing thoughts at night and I can’t sleep. Not even Iburprophen works. I know I’m sleepy but my body just won’t go to sleep. I workout everyday you would think I’d fall asleep. I can sleep easily during the day. I don’t know why I’m going through this. I just want a whole day to sleep with no worries no chores no workouts no nothing just sleep sleep and more sleep.
All my life I have always felt different. Growing up I always liked boys but I also liked girls but I didn’t realize it until last year when I came out to close friends and maybe two family members. I am bisexual and I no longer can hide it. I always have felt not comfortable in my own body.
I like dressing up as a boy and a girl. I feel comfortable in both clothes. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to be a boy I just love wearing boys clothes .I have always wore boy clothes since I was a teenager. But my parents would always get mad on the way I dressed. They would end up returning either clothes or some boots that I liked. So I was never able to express myself until now as a adult.
I love being a girl I would never change that. I love wearing makeup it’s a part of who I am.
When I was nine years old me and my best friend kissed. It just felt right. When I was twenty-four years old I was bicurious. I kissed a lesbian couple with their permission. It felt so right it didn’t feel any different like if I was kissing a guy. During a truth or dare game I kissed a friend. To me it was no big deal. So I thought it would pass.
I had grew up now in my 30’s got married and had a kid. It’s been a year since I told a few friends. Last year I realized I was bisexual no longer just curious. I look at girls all the time like if I was looking at a guy. I want to be with a woman one day.
I have never been in a relationship with woman but I know how I feel and who I am. Maybe with the right person I can find something amazing with a woman. I grew up knowing the Bible . So I know what it says I am still a Christian even though I am bisexual.
I will slowly tell my family who I am no matter what the outcome is because some family are against lgbt people. So let’s see where life takes me. I am happy with my sexuality that will never change I’m so glad I know who I am now.
I know it has been a while since I written anything on here. I had got a new phone and I just barely reinstalled the app.
Okay so dressing up in character your probably wondering what I am talking about. I like to dress up with wigs makeup dresses costumes and all. The picture I have posted with my blonde wig is my character AnnaLisa. She’s spontaneous and adventurous and beautiful.
Dressing up takes me away from reality where I don’t have to worry about anything. AnnaLisa helps me express myself where I don’t have to be me. I guess it shows the emotional side of me. I also have a rainbow wig which is Sarah with the pic I have in the rainbow wig.
Sarah likes to dance and have fun. She is very confident and when she put her mind to it she can do anything. She’s not afraid of anything . There’s not anything she will not do. I plan on buying more wigs and costumes etc. .I will be writing future blogs about my characters.
Well I hope y’all enjoy reading this blog. I won’t ever stop dressing up.
One thing I love doing is baking. I dont really follow recipes. For those that bake a cake from a box it requires oil for me thats like putting fat into your cake. I really dont want my cake all oily. Here are a few alternatives. Also instead of water i use milk.
Pumpkin i use the one in a can
Pudding the instant make that first and put it aside.
Bake your cake and eat
This is a very hard subject for me to talk about. I have been suicidal for many years. I want to say about 12 years. I have suicidal thoughts almost every day. Sometimes I can control them other times I cant. I have been cutting my thighs off and on throughout the years. It first starts off with anxiety and then it goes to depression. I have been going through depression for a very long time as well.
If I don’t control my depression it will escalate to my suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I just straight out have suicidal thoughts. It all depends on the day. I haven’t told my family of what I go through. I tried telling my mom but she doesn’t quite understand me. I want to tell my brothers and my dad on what I go through but it’s hard to even start the conversation with them.
I don’t exactly have a relationship with my family. I have urges to cut all the time that will never go away. It will always be a part of me.
I think back and I wish I never even started to cut. I never cut in front of anyone when I did cut my thighs I make sure it was in private. I am writing this blog post to help anyone who may be going through a similar situation
This is an addiction that will never go away. I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I do have support groups on Facebook that I am in. Sometimes it helps other times it triggers it.
I no longer cut but I still have urges. The last time I relapse I regretted it so much. I didn’t know how to stop. I have learned how to control it but during my depression I always want to cut. I am glad I get passed it and I don’t go near any knives during that time.
I know during my depression if I move where I’m sitting I get up grab a knife and I cut. The other day I had really bad urges. I was crying and my boyfriend was talking to me on the phone. I stayed sitting on the sofa talking to him. I eventually calmed down and got out of it and got passed it.
There’s also a suicidal hotline that I can call. I called once they are very helpful I know if my boyfriend isn’t around to call I will definitely be calling the hotline if it gets really bad.
I bought myself a self-love ring as a reminder to never cut again and as a reminder to always take care of myself first and to love myself ,respect myself, and have confidence and self-esteem. It is a reminder to no matter what I go through in life to always put myself first.
I also started going to a non denomination Christian Church to help lead me back to my faith. I am loving this church so far. Looking forward to where this Journey leads me.
I will be also getting a tattoo in the near future as a reminder never to cut again. I hope writing this will help someone. Remember you are not alone and if anyone needed to talk about suicidal thoughts and urges or whatever I can help you get through it.
This storm feels like your drowning but it wont rain forever. You eventually will enter the brightness. This is just a moment things will get better.
I have depression and anxiety. I was emotionally and physically abused I was raped when I was 17 . I lost a lot of family members that died I also lost a lot of friendships in my life. I haven’t seen none of my friends in about 5 years.This was my way of dealing with it.
I did not cut for attention either that is not something you just play around with.
I blamed myself a lot and I thought the day I was raped that he shouldve killed me so I wouldn’t be suffering like this. Thats not the answer though everything that I been through is what makes me stronger.
I have to keep fighting not only for myself but also for my son Josiah. He keeps me going everyday. I would not be here if it wasn’t for him. I love my son so much and my boyfriend who has stood by my side during my darkest days.
I am grateful to be alive today and I am here to help others . It is my destiny. I will help anyone that I can . This is a healing process it will take time but I will get where I need to be.
I am a vegan and I cook a lot of vegan meals. This is one of my favorites when I don’t really know what to cook.
Spicy Chickpea Teriyaki
This is a very easy recipe, 1 Can of Chickpeas drained and rinsed. 1/4 cup of teriyaki sauce, 1tbsp of szechuan sauce, 1 tbsp of raw sugar (optional), 2 cups cooked brown or white rice, 1 cup of salsa. You can always use more of the ingredients as needed. I usually add more of the teriyaki sauce and salsa. You can add more ingredients to your taste of liking. Enjoy!
One of my dreams was to travel the world but I never got the chance to. Maybe one day I can go somewhere amazing. I want to go to different places and learn different cultures and taste new food and learn a different language it has always been one of my dreams. I have listed below some places I would like to travel to.
I think hawaii is one of the beautiful places. It has always been a dream to go here. Its mountains and the beautiful water. Wow its just amazing, I wish I could go swimming or even learn how to go surfing.
Watching the Ball drop in Times square in New York
This has been one of my dreams since I was a little girl. I would watch the ball drop from New York on television. There are so many people so I know I could never achieve this because of my social anxiety. I would have to be really drunk to go here lol.
Take a train trip somewhere
Yes I would definitely like to take a trip on a train somewhere. I want to discover the world and just look at the scenery. I just love trains, I have never been in one so this would be a great experience for me.
Walk through the Sagano Bamboo Forest in Japan
My sign is Virgo which is an earth sign and I absolutely love nature and the outdoors. I don’t get out like I want due to my depression but I would love to go here. I could only imagine how being here would smell like. I would like to go here to take a long walk to do some workouts. The scenery is absolutely beautiful.
Go on an adventure to Paris Italy
I would love to travel to Paris Italy, I think its the most romantic place in the world. I know it will never happen because I think it will be too expensive. Just look at this picture it is so beautiful. I would like to travel one day and meet people and try all the good food there.
These are just to name a few, there are many more places I would love to visit. I want to learn different languages and eat different foods. It would be amazing just to accomplish one of my places on my travel bucket list.
I have been drinking green tea for a very long time. I drink it every morning right before a workout. Green tea is very healthy It is loaded with antioxidants and nutrients. I have listed below many benefits of green tea
- Builds Stamnia and immunity
- Reduces Cholesterol
- Tones muscles and skin
- Elimates hangovers
- Head aches
- Cold and flu
- weight loss
- Brain function
- Heart diseases
These are just a few of the benefits. I drink green tea because it helps me focus and it gives me energy to help me throughout the day. At the same time It helps me loose weight.
- Have a indoor or outdoor picnic.
- Go to the beach
- Book a cruise and go on a wonderful cruise.
- Go to the library and check out books together.
- Get dressed and go out to eat together.
- Reenact your first date
- Go to the park and take a walk
- Go to the zoo
- Get a fishing licence and go fishing an crabbing together.
- cook together and drink a glass of wine.
- take a nap together yes i consider this as a date.
- Go to a golf course together.
- Take a cooking class together.
- Go on a shopping date together.
Go to the mall and go shopping and go out to eat.
These are just a few listed I will post more in a later post. Thanks for taking your time to read my blog.